There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
