im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
