Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
