mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
