She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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