The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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