Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
