Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
