just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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