Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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