I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
