I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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