I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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