You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You ate ashes out of my bong
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
