Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
