Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
