My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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