And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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