He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
