just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
