she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
