Acid is not a monday night drug
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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