The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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