turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
