hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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