Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
