i'm lost and i look like a hooker
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
