i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
