Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
