My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
