Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
