i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
