i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
