I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
