just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
