Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
