I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
