Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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