When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
