I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
