I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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