My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
