If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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