Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
