I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's shark week go big or go home
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
