areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
