i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
