I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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