Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
