Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
