I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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