I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
